Baby Ju

This is from Justin’s point of view of reliving being an infant to a toddler!

I cannot see or hear. I want to be a boy not a girl. I have company on my journey. I keep getting bumped. I am going to make it.

I hear my mommy being asked, “Would you like to know the sex of the baby?”
My mommy responds, “Yes.”
“You are having a boy,” the nurse says. “He is just old enough for us to note, if he is a boy or girl.”
“ He is doing well, but needs a bit of a position change. We want to make sure he is getting enough oxygen. When he was put inside he turned. This is common. He was probably scared, or more interested in one part of your womb than another. This is a typical spot for them to get stuck in the sticky fluid. His mouth is open indicating he may have breathing problems. Once we move them, their breathing improves. We will be able to see his front side better. What he has of fingers are in the wall. They will not grow properly, if he is not moved. We try to make them as sleepy as we can, so they will fit into place. This will not hurt him. It will be a gentle push with this air, all done. He is now in the correct position.”
“ He may need another slight movement change, in a week. He is on the smaller side, so he is more likely to move into awkward positions. As he gets older he will learn to move his legs, feet, arms and fingers. He has no visual field or understanding, so we must watch him closely.”

“My mommy is having a special shower today for me. I am inside her. Mommy takes showers everyday. I wonder how Mommy will shower me?”

“I think Mommy is going to see me today. I have been inside of her nine months. I do not know how long nine months is. It is dark and warm in here. I like to suck on my thumb, and kick for Mommy when she has pictures taken of me.”
“I feel like pushing on Mommy’s insides. It is hard to push, but I want to try. Mommy will be proud. My body is moving through lots of tight spaces, and is in a different position. I have something around my neck. I do not like it, and I cannot push anymore. I will stay in Mommy longer. Mommy will understand.”
“I feel cold. Something is touching me that is not part of Mommy, and I am going to push away to get warm. It is hard to move with that thing around my neck. It is getting bright, and I hear Mommy talking. Her voice is no longer soft. I want to see Mommy, but I am stuck. Something is touching my chest, and I am going backwards. I see faces. Mommy is close, but I want this off my neck. It is getting less tight, and I do not feel it anymore.”

“I was just born, and am in the delivery room. I think I like Mommy’s inside belly better “ .
“I have something connected from my mommy to me. It is long, and big. The doctors are making it go away. It does not hurt. I miss it being in Mommy’s belly with me. They put something on my belly, where it connected.”
“There are a lot of funny people around me, and lots of talking. Everyone is louder than being in my mommy’s tummy.”
“I am feeling strange, as the doctors put something soft in my nose and mouth. It does not taste too good. I am making a weird noise, and my face is wet. I can breathe better, but the doctor keeps putting that thing in my nose and mouth.”
“I feel yucky with the thingy in my nose, and now the doctors want to weigh me. I just want to be with Mommy, and I do not like what is on my head.”
“I am getting sleepy, since the doctors put me in my incubator. The incubator is like the inside of Mommy’s tummy, but bigger. I think I have been in an incubator before. It was smaller, and I could not see or hear. I am going to the nursery. I want to watch, but my vision is blurry, and I really do not like anything, but Mommy’s face.”
Justin drifts to sleep, as doctors bring him to the nursery.

“The nursery is not so bad. My vision is really fuzzy, but my brother Jonathan tells me newborns don’t see well. I recognize his voice, as I rest in my warm incubator. I am sleepy from the delivery, and Jonathan says I will be for awhile.”
“I came to visit the nursery, before going into my mommy’s belly. It was different. I could see, and I did not go into the incubator that makes you sleepy. I was visiting a baby.”
“Jonathan likes to hold me, and I feel comfortable in his arms. My head rests against his shoulder, and I drift to sleep.”

“I trust Jonathan with my girlfriend. She is here right now, as I cry. I don’t know why I am crying. I am not really sad.”
“My brother is changing my diaper. He is smiling, and tickling my tummy. I coo, at him, “All done,” he says softly, bringing me into his arms, as I continue to let the tears flow.”
“He is bringing me to the rocking chair. I like this, though it makes me sleepy, as he rocks me, and massages my back.”
“My eyelids feel heavy, and I think I am going to go to sleep soon. No more crying I’m too sleepy, and I hear a sleepy bye song,” I tell him.
He is patting my back soothingly, “You have a good sleep. No more tears, Justin.”
“Sleepy byes are sneaky. They always come when I am getting drowsy. I do not know how the sleepy bye songs know. They are really smart,” I admit to him.
Jonathan is softly laughing, “Yes, they are, but that is their nature to make people sleepy.”
“I think it is my mobile, but I don’t remember. My mobile plays lots of sleepy songs. Some, I remember from being big. I forgot lots when I was born. The mobile has some new sleepy bye songs I never heard of. I like the lamb song,” I am mumbling to him.
He is nodding his head, “I know, Justin. Do you want me to play the lamb song?”
I am going to ask, “Can you do that?”
Jonathan is nodding his head, “Sure, sometimes the sleepy byes let you pick them. Time for sleepy time, little guy.”
Lambs are soft, and I have lots of lambs in my room. Mommy and Jonathan tell me the lambs are pretend.
Mommy and I watch the pretty lambs on TV. The lambs talk, and play games. I wish my lambs could play, but they are for sleepy times.
I have lambs on my mobile. The lambs are with Mr. Moon. They spin lots when I am in my crib.
Jonathan sings me sleepy songs too. I don’t know the words. I like hearing his voice.
I hear Jonathan talking to me, but I am too sleepy to respond. I know he’ll be here when I wake from sleepy byes.. Jonathan is talking faintly to my girlfriend, but it is too hard to understand, as I drift………

Mommy’s body is warm, as I am drinking her breast-milk. Time with Mommy is good. I will be drinking breast milk a long time. It does not taste bad, and I get to spend time with Mommy.”

“My girlfriend spends time with me, after my feeding. She smells like my mommy, and talks in words I understand. She is getting me ready for my first bath. She is changing my diaper, and gently wiping my sore bottom. It hurts, and I am crying. The cool cream makes it no longer hurt.”
“I hear her talking to Mommy, but I do not know what she is saying. I only understand baby talk and Jonathan. Mommy and my girlfriend sound mumbled. Mommy’s voice is softer. I prefer Mommy over her.”
“I do not remember my girlfriend much. Our relationship is foggy in my head. Each day my memory gets fuzzier. I will not remember her soon.”

Mommy is giving me a bath. The bath has lots of funny smells to relax me into sleep. She is cleaning me with a fuzzy washcloth. I do not have much hair. I do not like having baths. I go to sleep, afterward.
Mommy is drying me off, as I am getting sleepy from the baby smells. She is putting me in my bassinette..
Tomorrow I am being baptized.. Jonathan is going to be my godfather.
He does not look like a god. He is not even a daddy. A daddy has to be lots older. He talks about being a daddy. Jonathan cannot be a daddy. He does not have hair on his chin, like daddy’s do. Daddy’s need a mommy, and he does not have a mommy.
My cousin Rachel is going to be my Godmother. She is pretty, and will be a mommy soon. She has a mommy tummy, and reads mommy books.
Rachel visited me when I was in the incubator at the hospital. She held me, after my feeding, as I fell asleep.
I am getting sleepy again, as Mommy holds me in her arms in the rocking chair. Lamby is singing a lullaby. Bye, I am going to have my sleepy now.

Today I am getting baptized. We had to come to a smelly place. There are lots of people. I do not like the water, or people talking. Jonathan’s baptism was better. He was older than me. I am only a week or two years old.
The water is cold on my head, and it is making me cry, as Mommy is holding me. It is like the delivery room, with all the water and unfamiliar things. Mommy is not sleepy today, like delivery day.
Jonathan and Rachel are standing next to two people I do not know. I am looking up at my brother confused.
He is smiling, “These are your Godparents. They are going to help raise you. They will not hurt you. Your mommy knows them well. She knows all the people that came for your baptism, though you have no memory of them. Anybody you have not seen in over a years time is wiped from your mind. You will start to have new memories, when you are a little older.”
“Friends are at the baptism, and all want to have a chance to hold me. My memory made me forget them. I remembered a little when I heard one of our songs. They told me I wrote the song, but I do not remember. It is a good sleepy song.
“I wish I could see better. Their faces are distorted. The camera makes me cry. Only J.C. and Chris have a picture with me in my dressy clothes. Lance and Joey will get pictures when I am not crying.”
“*NSYNC has good sleepy songs. My Mommy has most of them. She plays the songs. *NSYNC is good at making sleepy bye songs. Jonathan is singing with *NSYNC one of my lullabies that I wrote.”
“My eyelids are droopy, listening to them. Mommy is putting me in my bassinette to rest, while everybody talks.
The bassinette is cozy, though I would like some of that food. Sleepy byes may be better.”
“ I cannot keep my eyes open, if they keep singing. I want to be awake for my baptism day, but I can’t keep my eyes open.”
“Jonathan is telling me, “You will not remember your baptism,” as he is rubbing my belly. I think he is right. “You will not remember a lot of things. It is okay to fall asleep,” he reminds me, as I try think about today.”
“I remember my bath, and my mommy standing next to people I do not know. Mommy gave me to a pretty mommy, and then to Jonathan. I wonder if I will have another baptism, when I am big boy!? I remember people holding me, but not their names or faces.”
“I am glad I remember Jonathan and Mommy.”
“I hear the camera, but keep my eyes closed. My family is taking lots of pictures, as I am going to sleep.”
“Mommy is talking, but it sounds mumbled. “Time to go home, Justin.”
“Jonathan chuckles, “He has had a long day. Everyone wore him out. He is such a good baby.”

“Jonathan has a birthday today. He is a big boy. Mommy admits Jonathan could be a daddy. He does some daddy stuff, but he is not a daddy. He works at the hospital near the nursery.”
“Birthdays are neat for big boys. He got a new car from me. I wish I remembered signing the card, and buying the car. Most big boy memories are gone. Being a big boy will be fun.”

“I am just learning to crawl, and I can say some words. My words do not sound like Mommy’s or Jonathan’s.”

“Mommy is feeding me in a special chair. I like the peas, but not the spit ups. I have something soft around my neck, as Mommy feeds me. She is taking me out of the chair, and rubbing my back. I am getting sleepy. She is putting me in something I am not used too. It is like walking, but my feet do not touch well. I like the rocking and bouncing, as I go to sleep. I hear sleepy music and see my lamb.”
“Lamby is soft and cuddly and makes sounds. I like the lambs blue bow and his mirror. I see a baby in there like me. I want the baby to play. I think he is stuck, like I was inside of Mommy.”
“Mommy is taking me to my crib, and I am really sleepy. I see the bars of my crib, as she is putting me down. Lamby has to stay outside. I hear Mommy talking and pointing to Mr. Moon, and he is singing a sleepy bye song. My eyelids are heavy.”

Mommy is bringing me somewhere today. She says I have been here before. It smells like when Mommy cleans. There are lots of babies, and some big kids. We are going down a hallway into a room.”
“I see a man I do not know, and he is talking to Mommy, as she puts me on the scale. I am looking around for an incubator, but I do not see any. Mommy is pulling up my shirt, and the smelly man is trying to get me to look at him.”
“I feel something cold against my arm, and now an ouchie. I want to cry. It hurts, and Mommy can tell. She is rubbing my back. The ouchie is making me sleepy, and my vision is fuzzy. I do not want anymore ouchies.”

“I am in my bassinette at my Mommy’s house. There is another baby next to me. I am a little bit older. I see a pretty girl, but I do not remember her. The baby is hers. She thinks I am a cute baby.”

“Mommy wants me to take my first steps. I may try for Mommy and Jonathan and the people I do not know. My diaper will protect me, if I fall. Mommy has Lamby, and I want him. My body is wobbly like my wobbly toys, as I take a step and balance my body. I cannot stand any longer, and am falling, but Mommy is there to catch me.”

“I can walk some, but fall on my diaper. I like to get Lamby from my diaper bag. Lamby is dirty and needs a bath. Mommy is going to wash Lamby. She is showing me a new soft toy. This stuffed toy has lots of stuff to pull on, and I see a baby in the mirror. The baby does what I do.”
“I like doing what the baby does. I wonder if the baby likes my Lamby too.”
Lamby is with Mommy and that makes me sad. I want to play with Lamby. Why can’t Lamby have a bath with me?”
“I do not think I will see Lamby, until I wake from my sleepy times. That makes me cry.”
Mommy is rubbing my back, but it does not bring Lamby back. She is opening a box, and I see Lamby! I do not understand. How did Lamby have a bath and not get wet? Lamby smells different. I never want to let Lamby go.”
“Lamby is in my crib. Mommy never lets me have Lamby in here. Today she is letting me hold him. I am happy. Lamby can be with me forever. I am getting sleepy, and need to take my nap.”
“I wonder if Lamby takes naps too? I ask Lamby, but he just plays his sleepy songs. Maybe, Lamby is too sleepy, and will tell me after my nap.”

“It is now my first birthday. Mommy and Jonathan gave me presents, and put a funny looking hat on my head. Mommy gave me cake. The cake is not easy to eat. Big people food is hard to understand.”
“I still have Lamby. He plays peek-a-boo with Mommy and me. Peek-a-boo is a fun game. Lamby is good at surprising me. “

“I saw the smelly man today, and started to cry. I remember he gave me an ouchie. I did not want another. He smiled and made faces at me, but I kept crying, until I fell asleep. I had a yucky ear ouchie, and Mommy and the smelly man gave me a yucky drink in my bottle.”
“My ear is still an ouchie, and Mommy is giving me the yucky drink. I want to go to sleep with Lamby. My eyelids feel heavy, and Mommy and Lamby look fuzzy. I keep pulling at my ear to make the ouchie go bye, buh. My tummy hurts. It is gassy, like after I have my bottle .I am going to take a nappy.”

“Living life through the eyes of a baby has not been easy. As an adult you tend to forget that being young is no picnic. You have you worries and fears and obstacles just like they do, only your young and these things are over looked.”